Customer Support Idiot: “[Redacted] Business Support, this is Idiot, how can I help you?”

Me: “Hi, I’m calling to try to get an IP taken off your spam RBL.”

CSI: “Ok, can I get your business name and phone number, please?”

[I give them to him.]

CSI: “I can’t find you anywhere.  Are you a new customer?”

Me: “Uh… no.  We have over a hundred T1s terminating here.”

CSI: “Oh.  Ok.  Can you hang on for a minute?”

[At this point, I hear a click and expect to hear hold music.  Instead, he somehow conferences me into an internal call he makes to a coworker.  I don’t say anything because I think this could be interesting.]

CSI: “…yeah, he’s trying to get off an RBL.  What’s that?”

Other guy: “You don’t know what an RBL is?”

CSI: “No.”

OG: “It’s a realtime blocklist.  It’s a way to block spam.  Just search for ‘RBL’ in the knowledge base.  It’s the first hit.”

CSI: “Ok, thanks.”

[More clicking, then he comes back on the line.]

CSI: “Hi, Marc?”

Me: “Hi.”

CSI: “Ok, what IP do you need taken off the blacklist?”

[I give it to him.]

CSI: “Ok, I’m still having problems finding you as a customer.  Can you give your phone number again?”

[I give it to him again.  Then again.  Then he has me repeat the last four digits–twice.  Finally, he seems to get it.]

CSI: “Can I put you on hold for a minute?  And what was that IP again?”

[I grit my teeth and repeat it.  CSI actually puts me on hold on this try.  At this point, I’ve been on the phone with him for about fifteen minutes.  He leaves me on hold for another fifteen.  When he finally returns…]

CSI: “Hi, Marc?  You still there?”

Me: “Yes.  What did you find out?”

CSI: “I found the number of the people you need to contact in order to got off the blacklist.  It’s…”

[Here he gives me a phone number, which I type into the TextPad window I keep open as a virtual scratchpad.  When he finishes, I stare at the number–dumbfounded.]

Me: “That’s my phone number.  That’s the number I’m calling you from.”

[CSI apparently doesn’t notice that I’ve said anything, and keeps talking.]

CSI: “You’re going to need to contact… [My Company] to get off the blacklist.”

Me: “That’s me.  I work for them.  I am calling you from that office.

CSI: “Anything else I can help you with today?”

[Stunned by this spectacular display of idiocy, I have no idea what to say next–other than “No.”  I get off the line quickly, then stare blankly at my phone for a moment.]

Coworker: “That sounded painful.”