Category: stupid behavior

I’m finally back.

After moving out of Nick’s place, I didn’t have access to the Internet for a couple weeks. It’s been a busy couple days, but I finally have time to blog.

I realize my last couple posts have been kind of dark. I’ve been on a bit of a self destructive streak for the last couple month and a half: smoking pot virtually every day, chain smoking, and drinking. Well, this is the end of that. I’ve decided, starting the first of September, that I’m going to stop smoking cigarettes and weed. I’ve said this sort of thing before, but I think stating it publicly will help me stick to it.

I realized that this was necessary over the last couple of days. I got into my car and found that it held the stale reek of cigarette butts from the ashtray. I can’t sing worth shit anymore. When I try, I’m off key and can’t control my range or tonal quality.

The most telling part was today: I sat down at my computer to attempt to write a bit of code for my cousin’s website only to find that I couldn’t remember what I had been doing when I left off far too long ago. Not only that, but I couldn’t even concentrate enough to do any work. The best I could muster was a blank stare at the screen while re-reading what I had started over a month ago.

If I want my business to work, I’m going to have to be able to concentrate without any chemical distractions.

So that does it. I’m going to finish the pack of Parliaments I have, and that’s it. I’m not going to say I’ll never smoke again… I’m far too weak-willed for that. But I’m not going to have another drag or toke for the month of September. After that, I’ll see how I feel and play it by ear.

Wish me luck. It’s going to be difficult living with a chain-smoking pothead.

I’m trying not to start smoking again.

Yeah, I said again.

When I lived in England, I smoked quite a bit. I was never too addicted, but there were times when I got jittery and twitchy if I went too long without a smoke. I kicked the habit when I came back to the states and started doing Tae Kwon Do again.

It’s a filthy habit. It makes my clothes, car, and breath stink. I have to go outside to do it because my roommate gets pissed if I smoke in the apartment. It causes cancer, costs me money I don’t have, coats my lungs with tar, and gives me muscle aches and headaches if I do it too much.

And I love it.

I love smoking. It’s idiotic, but I do. Obviously, the negative aspects–and there’s a lot of them–suck. But something that avid non-smokers can’t understand about smoking are the positive aspects of it.

There’s a sense of camaraderie among smokers. Even a casual acquaintance will give you a cigarette if you run out. If you see a stranger with a cigarette in his hand, you can bet that he’s willing to give you a light. We know that it’s ‘us’ against the world. We’re not allowed to smoke in public buildings, or if they’re government owned, within twenty-five feet of them. But we deal with it.

It’s a great way to meet people. If you’re at a party where the host doesn’t allow smoking indoors, you can be sure that you can go hang out with the rest of the ostracized puffers on the porch and strike up a conversation. I’ve known plenty of people whom I never would have met if I hadn’t gone out for the occasional smoke break.

But my favorite thing about smoking is the meditative aspect of them. There are times when it’s just really relaxing to sit down for a few minutes and have a cigarette. I like to go outside and just have a quiet moment now and then, but I always get bored quickly. With a cigarette, I can sit down, relax, watch the world go by, and smoke that Camel down to the butt. I don’t need to think about anything else. I can just relax and watch the smoke float in grey ringlets and curls until it vanishes into the air.

So am I stupid for smoking? Yeah. Absolutely. I need to stop before I get addicted and before I do any further damage to my health.

But for now, at least, I’m going to go have a cigarette.