Category: pain

Jobs

August 22, 2005 / / 1 Comment

I walked out of work today. I just can’t stand it anymore. Every day I spend there I get angrier, more depressed, and I feel like more of a failure. Every time I get out of my car to walk in to that hellhole, I can feel my mood dipping further and further with each step towards the door. By the time my hand reaches the door handle, all I want to do is turn around, go home, and never come back.

I have tomorrow off, and I don’t have to be in until 1:30 on Wednesday. I’m hoping that the next forty-eight hours will be enough time for me to get my head straight. As much as I’d like to, it’s not like I can quit without something else lined up.

On the plus side, though, I have a second interview lined up for next Tuesday. Wish me luck.

Getting Crazier by the Day

July 8, 2005 / / 0 Comments

Today at work, I punched the office door hard enough to put a hole in it. Had I hit it any harder, I suspect I’d have put my entire fist through it.

And I did it before nine in the morning.

Yes, I’m getting just that crazy. I’m beginning to wonder about my mental state. Alcohol, weed, meditation, exercise, sex–none of them calm me down any more. Alcohol and weed may make me numb, but my temper is still just as volatile. Meditation used to do wonders, but now it does nothing at all.

All this because of my job. That’s really the extent of it, I’ve realized. You have no idea how demoralizing it is to be a year–A FUCKING YEAR–out of college and still have no career. What little I did learn in college is now rotting in the back of my mind. I remember almost nothing from my software analysis and design courses now. Data structures? Gone. I barely knew them to begin with. Even Java, which I programmed in longer than anything else, is all but forgotten. I tried finishing up a program I started in PHP a while back, and I don’t even know how it works anymore. Even if I could find a job, I don’t even know what I’m qualified to do anymore. I’ve started applying to jobs that require an associates degree in the hopes that they might consider my resume before shredding it, burning the scraps, and then shitting on the ashes.

I don’t know if I’ve made this clear in my last few posts. I was going for subtext, but now I’m beyond that: I AM LOSING MY FUCKING MIND. Clear enough? You get it? I am going out of my fucking head, and I don’t know what to do about it.

Insomnia

May 17, 2005 / / 0 Comments

Who needs sleep
Well, you’re never gonna get it
Who needs sleep
Tell me, what’s that for
Who needs sleep
Be happy with what you’re getting
There’s a guy been awake since the second world war
–Barenaked Ladies, Who Needs Sleep

It’s 3:09am, and I’m wide awake. It’s been a while since I’ve had an attack of insomnia this severe–to be honest, I can’t remember the last time. I’ve tried everything I can think of to try to fall asleep: meditation, masturbation, progressive relaxation, and two cups of warm milk with nutmeg. Nothing is working.

At this point, I’m wondering which is the lesser of two evils: staying awake for the rest of the night or going back to bed. Either way, I’m going to be a zombie all day tomorrow… or today, I suppose. Generally, it’s much less unpleasant to just stay awake than to sleep for only a few hours. At least when staying awake, my brain favors me with enough endorphins for a nice sleep-deprivation buzz. (Never had one? You should try it. I spent most of high school in a constant fog due to them.)

I can already hear morning birds singing. Dammit. That’s not helping.

I think I’m going to just stay awake all night and drink lots of coffee all day long, and nap with my head on the table during my breaks. This, of course, will be followed by an epic collapse as soon as I get home from work.

Yeah, I think that’s the plan. I’m going to do laundry, send out semi-coherent job applications, and consume absurd amounts of caffeine.