Category: gibberish

Goddammit, NBC.

August 8, 2008 / / 4 Comments

I could give a tenth of a fuck about the Olympics. I was happy that the opening ceremony took place today, because that meant they’re that much closer to being done. I really want to stop reading and hearing about them in the news, and they can’t go away soon enough.

There is exactly one Olympic event that I would watch: Tae Kwon Do. Those guys are amazing. I might even be able to pick up a combo or two watching them. NBC isn’t televising any of the competition. Apparently, watching men and women with insane levels of skill fight using razor-sharp reflexes isn’t interesting enough to warrant air time.

You know what is being televised?

  • Handball
  • Badminton
  • Water Polo
  • Canoeing
  • Field Hockey
  • Table Tennis

Are they serious? Handball? Water Polo? Fucking Ping Pong? I didn’t even know that any of these were Olympic events, much less that anyone would be willing to watch them on TV.

It buuuuuurns…

July 31, 2008 / / 2 Comments

An albino girl crossed the street in front of my car at a stoplight the other day.  As she stood on the corner waiting to cross again, I looked at the skin on my inside forearm, back to her, then back to my forearm again.  The pallor of my skin was only barely darker than hers.  Than that of an albino.

If not for her almost-white hair, I probably wouldn’t have even noticed her.  You see, that level of paleness is completely normal to me. I’m so pale that I burn after twenty minutes in direct sunlight. People ask me why I don’t really do outdoorsy activities–it’s because I burst into flames like a vampire. What most people would consider to be normal light hurts my eyes and requires me to wear sunglasses.

I’m pretty sure my ancestors were part of some little-known nocturnal branch of the human species.

The Most Useless Telemarketer Ever

July 6, 2008 / / 0 Comments

(My office phone rings)

Me: [My company’s name], this is Marc.
(loud call-center type chatter, no response)
Me: Hello? [Company name], this is Marc.
Caller: Uh… hi. I’m calling from [garbled] Services, and we’re doing a surv–(click).

I didn’t hang up on him. He hung up on himself in the middle of a sentence.