Category: funny

Chemicals

I got my wisdom teeth out on Friday. I consider myself extremely fortunate: for some reason, I only developed the top two wisdom teeth. So not only did I have half as many teeth extracted, but having the top teeth removed is far less painful and heals faster. After the sedative wore off, I was in almost no pain at all.

Unfortunately, though, I think I lost quite a bit of blood. Every time I’ve lost any significant quantity of blood, I’ve gotten sick immediately afterwards.

So I’m sick.

I slept until noon today, got up for an hour and a half, and then slept for another two and a half hours. It’s about 12:30am, and I’ve really only been awake for ten hours today. That hasn’t stopped me from taking a load of chemicals, though.

Over the course of these ten hours, I have consumed:

Chemical Purpose Dosage
Acetaminophen Analgesic 1500 mg
Hydrocodone Analgesic 7.5 mg
Chrlorpheniramine Maleate Antihistamine 2 mg
Pseudophredrine Hydrochloride Nasal Decongestant 60 mg
Caffeine You know what caffeine is. 40 mg

So… I’m kinda drugged up right now. It’s a little hard to focus. I think that the antihistamine is kicking in just as the Vicodin is wearing off. I’ll be trying to get some sleep soon.

Oh, and can you do me a favor? If the paramedics ask about me, just refer them to the preceding list.

Thanks.

Pets

I got to thinking last night.

I’ve been wanting a pet penguin for quite some time now. A couple years, probably. The thing is, no one sells them. I’ve searched online quite a bit, and you can’t get a pet penguin anywhere.

Before that, I wanted a pet monkey. Then I found out how hard they are to take care of, and how they can turn mean once they get old. That pretty much killed that dream.

But it occurred to me: if I had a pet monkey and a pet penguin, I’d dress them up in little costumes and make them fight. The penguin would get a really suave looking Bond-esque tuxedo (obviously), and the monkey would get a martial arts uniform with a monkey-sized black belt.

Then I’d pit them against each other in a cage match, sell tickets, and bet heavily on the monkey.