Today at work, I punched the office door hard enough to put a hole in it. Had I hit it any harder, I suspect I’d have put my entire fist through it.
And I did it before nine in the morning.
Yes, I’m getting just that crazy. I’m beginning to wonder about my mental state. Alcohol, weed, meditation, exercise, sex–none of them calm me down any more. Alcohol and weed may make me numb, but my temper is still just as volatile. Meditation used to do wonders, but now it does nothing at all.
All this because of my job. That’s really the extent of it, I’ve realized. You have no idea how demoralizing it is to be a year–A FUCKING YEAR–out of college and still have no career. What little I did learn in college is now rotting in the back of my mind. I remember almost nothing from my software analysis and design courses now. Data structures? Gone. I barely knew them to begin with. Even Java, which I programmed in longer than anything else, is all but forgotten. I tried finishing up a program I started in PHP a while back, and I don’t even know how it works anymore. Even if I could find a job, I don’t even know what I’m qualified to do anymore. I’ve started applying to jobs that require an associates degree in the hopes that they might consider my resume before shredding it, burning the scraps, and then shitting on the ashes.
I don’t know if I’ve made this clear in my last few posts. I was going for subtext, but now I’m beyond that: I AM LOSING MY FUCKING MIND. Clear enough? You get it? I am going out of my fucking head, and I don’t know what to do about it.