Category: bastardry

Things I Desperately Want To Say To Customers

March 26, 2008 / / 1 Comment

Hi,
I’m [redacted] from [redacted], [redacted].com and I am having a problem with the website. When I try to open a pdf attachment file from mail it goes to a black screen then it asks me to log on again and then it crashes. I recently installed leopard 10.5. I need to open this pdf file. It is a [redacted] order. Do you know what is wrong?

Thanks,
Future Darwin Award Winner

FDAW,
I’ve seen this problem frequently before. It’s pretty common, but unfortunately, there’s no easy fix. The problem is that you are an idiot. Once the file is on your computer, it’s not our problem. I suggest you light your computer on fire or give it to your children–either would be a more worthwhile use. Please die. If this can’t be arranged, at least never contact us again.

Little Bitch

December 12, 2007 / / 4 Comments

I just got a really strange voicemail…

Hey yo, what up, Marc, my name is Steve and I took, uh, Tae Kwon Do back in Madison not too long ago. Uh, you gave me your number and everything so maybe some time we could hook up or whatever, uh, the new movie I am Legend is coming out and I wanted to see if you wanted to go see it. Gimme call a back, you should know the number, I gave it to you last time we met.

Normal to that point, right?

Anyways, looking forward to fucking you in your asshole again, you fucking faggot.
:: laughter in background ::

The fuck?

While I do know of a guy named Steve who has a legit reason to hospitalize me, this wasn’t him. I would have recognized his voice. This guy called and left a voicemail from a blocked telephone number, then insulted me with something I haven’t heard since high school. If he had any balls at all, he would have called from a traceable number, or at least identified himself.

As such, I’m mostly just amused by the call. Calling from a blocked number and leaving a prank message? Please. What a little bitch.

The strange thing is that Little Bitch knows the city I live in, my phone number, and that I practice martial arts–though I practice Tae Soo Do, not Tae Kwon Do. I’ve never taken Tae Kwon Do anywhere but Whitewater, and I rarely give out my phone number to anyone, and definitely haven’t done so recently… so I’m at a loss as to Little Bitch’s identity.

Update: Mystery solved. A friend of mine was apparently on a podcast radio show… thing… and they pranked me. More info in the comments.

The Awful Show

Voicemail “Greeting”

June 30, 2007 / / 1 Comment

People frequently complain that I don’t answer my phone, and that I don’t respond to voicemail once I get it. There’s a reason for this, and it’s quite simple: I consider the telephone a device that I use for my convenience, and not for anyone else’s.

As such, if I don’t feel like answering my phone, I usually don’t. There are a few people whom I’ll always take calls from, mostly because I know that they’re not the sort to bug me for free tech support or ask superfluous questions. I’ve been doing this for years. Most people have learned that I don’t respond by telephone, so they email, text or IM instead.

However, up until today, my voicemail greeting didn’t reflect this. (It was the generic “This is Marc, leave a message.”) I’ve replaced it with the following:

“Hi, this is Marc. I don’t really listen to or respond to my messages. If you want to leave me one, go ahead. But don’t expect me to get back to you for a couple days.”