I’ve wanted a tattoo for a long time. Why? I have no idea. When I was in my teens, it seemed like something I needed to do in order to sufficiently rebel against the miserable small town I grew up in, even though I’d already had my eyebrow pierced. While that sounds minor, I can’t remember any other guy in my school with a facial piercing. (It was a tiny redneck school.)
I thought for a long time about what I wanted, but never managed to come to a decision due to what I think of as the five-year rule. It goes like this: at any point in my life, I can look and realize what an idiot I was back five years prior. At eighteen I looked back on my thirteen-year-old self and boggled at how stunningly stupid I had been. Today, I can look back on my twenty-four year old self and only shake my head in disbelief.
(Case in point: About five years ago, my then-girlfriend gave me a gift of an Asian vegetarian cookbook and two sets of chopsticks. The obvious message: make us a nice dinner. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I realized her intent last week.)
Accordingly, every tattoo idea I’ve seriously considered has required an extended waiting period while I decide just how bad of an idea it is. For your amusement, here are the ones I can remember, in roughly chronological order.
Asian character. I don’t think I really need to explain why this is a bad idea.
A tribal dragon at base of my spine. I was really into dragons when I was in high school, and for a few years after. This was well before tribal designs adorned every other frat douche in America, so I still thought they looked fuckin’ sweet. And yes… I wanted it at the base of my spine. A tramp stamp. In my defense, this was well before such tattoos graced every skank with a short skirt and self esteem issues. I even went so far as to have a talented friend modify a design from one of my many dragon t-shirts into something I’d be willing to transfer onto my body. Thankfully, he never quite got the design how I wanted it and the idea quietly died.
The three-arrow recycling triangle on one butt check, with a UPC code on the other. I can’t entirely piece together the rationale for these. Something about how I was the product of American consumer society, and would die and be consumed by it just like everything else. Being about nineteen, this seemed like biting, ironic social commentary at the time. I still think it’s funny.
The wheel of Dharma, over my heart. I was very serious about Tibetan Buddhism for a few years. During that time, I expected that I would take ordination as a Buddhist monk after I’d had a family, grown old, and become a grandfather. (I never told anyone this, because even then I realized how stupid it sounded.) I was fairly certain that I would spend the rest of my life as a Buddhist. I wanted to have the wheel of Dharma tattooed over my heart as a symbol of my commitment to the Bodhisattva Vow, the basic idea of which is that you will choose to be reincarnated over and over again until all sentient beings have attained enlightenment. This multi-lifetime commitment lasted around two years.
Mega Man firing his Mega Buster, on my upper bicep. This one isn’t awful, but… meh. I wouldn’t say it’s good, either. He would have been intentionally pixelated, with three shots fired. This would have been a testament to my undying love of my Nintendo Entertainment System and the games I’ve been playing since I was eight years old. I could never quite justify having it done.
Pac Man eating dots, around on my upper bicep. Pretty much the same thing. This would also have been pixelated in order to make it look like the Atari 2600 version of Pac Man. Vagina-dryingly nerdy, and not terribly original. I may have gotten the idea from Gabe in Penny Arcade, but I can’t remember if I saw it there or had the idea on my own first.
A numbered recycling triangle on one butt check, with a UPC code on the other. I can’t entirely piece together the rationale for these. Something about how I was the product of American consumer society, and would die and be consumed by it just like everything else. This seemed like profound social commentary at the time. I still think it’s kind of funny.
More Asian characters, but martial arts related this time. I never even finished thinking this one out past this point.
Half-scissors and a dotted line, circling my calf. The half-scissors and thick dotted line seen on forms, non-verbally indicating “cut here.” Inspired by stories of amputees getting their legs tattooed before surgery in order to make sure the correct limb comes off. I’m still toying with the idea because I think it’s funny, but I’m past the age where guys go out and get tattooed for no good reason.
