Commands I’d someday like to be able to give to my army of fearful but loyal minions:

  • Kill them… kill them all.
  • Increase the weather control machine to full power! BWA HA HA HA HA!
  • Bring me the head of Paris Hilton. Oh, and while you’re at it, kill Nicole Ritchie, Michael Jackson, Carrot Top, Paul Schafer, Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Lopez, Andy Dick, Wayne Brady, Fred Durst, Carlos Mencia, anyone remotely involved with reality TV, Tim Allen, Ann Coulter, Jean Claude Van Damme, and the Bangles. Huh? Yeah, you’re right. Tim Allen’s career is as good as dead anyway. You can leave him off the list.
  • Bathe the girl and bring her to my chambers. Put the rest in the dungeon.
  • Can you go to Burger King and get me one of those spicy chicken sandwiches they’ve got? I don’t have any cash on me… can I just pay you back later? Ok, cool. Thanks.
  • BOIL THE PACIFIC OCEAN!
  • I’ll have the panda and manatee cheese condor egg omelette and a side of… do you have tiger bacon? Yeah, I’ll have that. Awesome.
  • What the hell is wrong with you minions? It’s a guy and his comic-relief sidekick, running along the turrets of the castle, clearly silhouetted against the night sky. Are you trying to miss? Can’t one of you fucking HIT HIM?! Alright, that’s it. Tomorrow, every single one of you are going to basic marksmanship classes. Anyone who fails get his or her health insurance revoked for ninety days.
  • If the prisoner speaks again, cut out his tongue.
  • Minion number two-six-four-nine-zero… drink ten.
  • Hey, you. Minion. Yeah, you. Come here. Are you Eddie? Good. Alright, Eddie, I have some bad news for you. The IRS has been trying to take away our tax-exempt status because they don’t seem to think that I’m the messiah. The guys in Accounting have been “massaging” the numbers, and they decided the best way to cover this up was to pin it on a low-level grunt like yourself. So, long story short, Eddie, you’re going to prison for tax evasion for a very, very, long time.

If you haven’t seen it before, this list was clearly inspired by Peter’s Evil Overlord List.

Also, this is probably one of my most irrelevant blog posts ever. Not quite as bad as this… though I doubt anything could be… but a waste of time nonetheless.