My Hometown

Since blogging conversations with Mike seems to be in vogue lately…

A bit of a preface here: there was a guy in the class ahead of me that had sex with a cat. When Mike makes reference to “cat fucker,” he’s talking about that particular deviant.

I don’t think I really need to say it, but I don’t condone catfucking, cat-throwing, catshooting, or any of the disturbing things mentioned in this post.

Baron von Chickenpants: On a completely different note, I decided to kill myself.
Baron von Chickenpants: eventually, anyway.
Baron von Chickenpants: In 50-60 years, I’m going to off myself rather than rot in a nursing home.
Happy Pineapple: sort of like a cat?
Baron von Chickenpants: No, not like a cat.
Baron von Chickenpants: I can’t be swung into the air by my tail, then shot before I hit the ground.
Happy Pineapple: we have 50 to 60 years… I’m sure we’ll have the technology to simulate that by then.
Baron von Chickenpants: Let’s hope so.
Baron von Chickenpants: I actually knew a guy who did that.
Happy Pineapple: got a tail implanted?

Baron von Chickenpants: yes.
Baron von Chickenpants: yes, that exactly.
Baron von Chickenpants: then he started calling himself Tony the Tiger, and would only respond to cans of fucking tuna.
Baron von Chickenpants: you useless goddamn swine.
Happy Pineapple: presumably the cat was not pleased with him afterwards?
Happy Pineapple: (I thought I’d yank us back to reality for a moment)
Baron von Chickenpants: I presume that the cat was dead.
Happy Pineapple: Oh, I missed the part about the cat being shot.
Happy Pineapple: Yeah.
Happy Pineapple: Yeah, it probably was. If he was a decent shot, anyway.
Happy Pineapple: If not, then presumably the cat was just pissed.
Baron von Chickenpants: That really depends on how high he could throw it.
Baron von Chickenpants: And, I’m not making this up–that guy nearly became a Catholic priest.
Happy Pineapple: that’s unrelated to this story, right? I mean, it’s not part of the induction ritual or anything, is it?
Happy Pineapple: because that sounds more muslim than catholic
Baron von Chickenpants: no, of course not. they <obligatory non-funny joke about child molestation>.
Happy Pineapple: who was this fucker?
Baron von Chickenpants: Just a guy in the class ahead of me in Albany.
Baron von Chickenpants: He was always a little weird.
Happy Pineapple: catfucker?
Baron von Chickenpants: No, different guy.
Baron von Chickenpants: Iris told me that he spent most of a year stalking some girl he went out on two or three dates with.
Baron von Chickenpants: cat thrower, not cat fucker.
Happy Pineapple: huh.
Happy Pineapple: people in albany are weird fuckers.
Baron von Chickenpants: they certainly are.
Baron von Chickenpants: It would be fun to create a dark side Lake Wobegon parody using people from Albany.
Happy Pineapple: Do it.
Happy Pineapple: and put it on the intarnets.
Happy Pineapple: … because it’ll be safe from most of Wisconsin there.
Baron von Chickenpants: true.
Baron von Chickenpants: surely you had some demented characters like that in Stoughton.
Happy Pineapple: We had some weird people, but I can honestly say that I don’t remember anyone on this level…
Baron von Chickenpants: huh.
Happy Pineapple: I mean, we had a few face painting goth kids
Happy Pineapple: but one of them had a pretty good reason to be fucked in the head.
Happy Pineapple: nobody I know of was sexually active with or abnormally violent towards any animals.
Happy Pineapple: I mean, except me.
Baron von Chickenpants: So… you didn’t know anyone who shoved firecrackers up a bullfrog’s ass and blew it all to fuck?
Baron von Chickenpants: Or multiple people who did that?
Happy Pineapple: I don’t know anyone who did that, no.
Baron von Chickenpants: huh.
Happy Pineapple: I’m sure some people did stuff like that, but it didn’t make it into the yearbook or anything.
Happy Pineapple: that would be a terrible category to have. “Voted most likely to continue fucking cats.”
Baron von Chickenpants: what about guys who played doctor with their younger female cousin, while another older guy looked on?
Baron von Chickenpants: older guy == still prepubescent
Happy Pineapple: nope.
Baron von Chickenpants: huh.
Baron von Chickenpants: any crackheads in your graduating class?
Happy Pineapple: most of them.
Baron von Chickenpants: no, seriously.
Happy Pineapple: yeah – I’m serious.
Happy Pineapple: A large portion of my graduating class were cokeheads.
Baron von Chickenpants: at least we have one thing in common, then.
Baron von Chickenpants: so… this has been rather illuminating.
Happy Pineapple: yeah. has it?
Baron von Chickenpants: I already knew that Albany was fucked up, but I assumed some of that sort of shit was universal.
Happy Pineapple: ah.
Baron von Chickenpants: what a demented little town.
Happy Pineapple: I find it sort of interesting that Stoughton was sort of normal by comparison.
Happy Pineapple: I’ll have to talk to some of the Goombas, though, to check.
Baron von Chickenpants: I think I’ll blog this.