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New theme, because the old one was so horrid it hurt my eyes to look at it, as it probably did yours.  Sorry about that.

Phrases That Have Caused Me to Immediately Dismiss OKcupid Profiles

I wrote this more than a year ago and never got enough material to finish it.  Enjoy.

“I’m not much of a reader.”

This is like saying “I’m not much of a thinker. Move, you’re blocking the TV.”

“This is my kitty, Poopie.”

Poopie? Your cat’s name is “Poopie.” And you feel the need to put your cat on your dating profile… You dress him up in a Little Bo Peep outfit when you’re home alone on Friday nights, don’t you?

“Not a big fan of books. Does People Magazine count? haha”

HA HA HA! No! No, it fucking doesn’t!

“I have a boyfriend, maybe we could all hang out. Not really. But you should know that I’m not looking for a relationship.”

You seem to have completely misunderstood the purpose of this dating web site.

Half assed chicken pot pie

  • One 12oz package of mixed frozen vegetables
  • One diced onion
  • White flour
  • Two-ish tablespoons of butter
  • Cheap white wine
  • Four or five frozen normal-size chicken breasts (not the freaky giant mutant kind)
  • Olive oil
  • Frozen pie crust
  • Package of crescent rolls
  • Salt, pepper, thyme
  • Milk
  1. Pre-bake the frozen pie crust.
  2. Cover chicken breasts with a bit of water and boil until they’re more or less cooked.  You could probably fry them or something to get more flavor, but… eh.
  3. While that’s going on, dump some olive oil in a pan and add the diced onion.
  4. Cook for a while, then add the frozen veggies.
  5. Cut the chicken into bite size chunks and add it into the pan with everything else.
  6. Sprinkle some flour over it. Just sort of dust it.
  7. Add salt, pepper. thyme, and butter.
  8. Pour some milk over the top and cook for a while.
  9. Dump some white wine on it. Take a big swig from the bottle.
  10. Take another big swig.
  11. Taste it. Add more salt than is healthy, but fuck it, I love salt. Got any MSG? Fuck it, add that too.
  12. It’s probably cooked down enough by now. Is it thickened? Think it’ll make a pie? Then it’s probably good.
  13. Slop it all into the pie crust.
  14. Unroll the tube of crescent rolls and arrange them on top and pretend that you actually took the effort to make a real pie crust.
  15. Use the leftover crescent roll dough to make a couple actual crescent rolls and put them on the sheet.
  16. Bake on a baking sheet at 350 degrees for, I don’t know, twenty minutes. Maybe less. Take it out when the top is golden brown.
  17. Burn the shit out of your fingers grabbing a crescent roll directly off the baking sheet. Toss is back and forth until cramming it whole in your mouth, because somehow that’s better.
  18. Let the pie sit for five minutes or won’t set up and will be a heap of glop.
  19. Drink the rest of the bottle of wine. THIS IS MANDATORY.