Babies

November 7, 2008 - 10pm

I was walking to the front of the office this morning, when I noticed a clutch of coworkers standing around the front desk, blocking my way.  One of my coworkers, with whom I’ve barely exchanged a dozen words with since I started here, had her newborn sitting in her carseat on the floor.  She’d apparently brought the baby in to show her off.

I don’t know if you know this about me, but I’m not really a “baby person.”  I’ve never been around them, I don’t want to hold them, and in general I just do my best to remain as baby-free as possible.  Accordingly, my first thought was “Fuck, am I going to have pretend I give a shit about this baby?  And make awkward conversation about diapers or something?”

Fortunately, at that moment, one of the women saw me coming and stepped back to make way.

“Baby,” she said simply, and–in case I’d somehow missed it–gestured at the baby.

“It sure is,” I replied as I quickly stepped around the carseat, the mother, and the conversation. I didn’t even break stride.

I’m honestly not sure what to make of babies.  With no frame of reference (and really poor conversation skills), I have no conception of what I’m supposed to say or ask about them.

“So, you’ve got a baby, huh?  That’s… great.” 
“It’s like having a really complicated pet, right?  Do you let him up on the furniture?”
“Is she supposed to look like that?”
“Does it bite?”

Does anyone teach basic baby classes? Do they cover this sort of thing in birthing classes? If not, I’m going to be really screwed… assuming anyone is dumb enough to marry me, anyway.

But how are the health benefits?

July 12, 2008 - 7pm

A while ago, I was having a conversation with a couple coworkers about how our job titles don’t actually mean anything–we all do essentially the same thing but are called different things and get paid differently.

Which is bullshit, but beside the point.

I changed my job title in the company directory to:

King of the Fucking MOON

That was a few weeks ago. No one has noticed.

Hobophobic II

August 7, 2007 - 10pm

As I fed the cats yesterday morning, I very briefly considered pouring milk over a bowl of kitty kibble and eating it like cereal.

While a part of me is still perversely curious about trying this, the rest of me remembers that raisin bran crunch almost certainly tastes better.

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© Marc Teale 2009.