Babies

November 7, 2008 - 10pm

I was walking to the front of the office this morning, when I noticed a clutch of coworkers standing around the front desk, blocking my way.  One of my coworkers, with whom I’ve barely exchanged a dozen words with since I started here, had her newborn sitting in her carseat on the floor.  She’d apparently brought the baby in to show her off.

I don’t know if you know this about me, but I’m not really a “baby person.”  I’ve never been around them, I don’t want to hold them, and in general I just do my best to remain as baby-free as possible.  Accordingly, my first thought was “Fuck, am I going to have pretend I give a shit about this baby?  And make awkward conversation about diapers or something?”

Fortunately, at that moment, one of the women saw me coming and stepped back to make way.

“Baby,” she said simply, and–in case I’d somehow missed it–gestured at the baby.

“It sure is,” I replied as I quickly stepped around the carseat, the mother, and the conversation. I didn’t even break stride.

I’m honestly not sure what to make of babies.  With no frame of reference (and really poor conversation skills), I have no conception of what I’m supposed to say or ask about them.

“So, you’ve got a baby, huh?  That’s… great.” 
“It’s like having a really complicated pet, right?  Do you let him up on the furniture?”
“Is she supposed to look like that?”
“Does it bite?”

Does anyone teach basic baby classes? Do they cover this sort of thing in birthing classes? If not, I’m going to be really screwed… assuming anyone is dumb enough to marry me, anyway.

Commenting validates my miserable existence.

5 Comments

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  1. They teach it in birthing classes. There’s a little session on how to do bottles, change diapers, bathe, dress, swaddle, etc. That’s how I learned, anyway.

    Since I’m a woman and can’t avoid the baby stuff as easily as you can, I’ve learned that the best questions to ask about a tiny baby are, “How’s he sleeping?” and “How are YOU doing?” (directed at the mother, because everyone wants to know about the baby, and not the person who pushed him out). Toss in a couple of “Oh, so cute!” comments and you’ve fulfilled your baby obligation.

    Comment by Christine — November 8, 2008

  2. Excellent.

    Comment by marc — November 8, 2008

  3. There have been times I’ve pretended to care about a particular baby because it’s supposed to show some indirect concern for the mother. What I really don’t get is when people you don’t know expect you to get excited over their baby (going beyond the general politeness you’d show anyone blocking the hallway)

    Comment by Robguy — November 8, 2008

  4. Well, I was going to ask you to be the Godfather of our daughter but I guess not though. Oh yeah, our baby is being delivered via c-section on Friday, Nov 14th.

    I have no idea what you do with them. I think you put them in a laundry basket. When the get mobile you turn the basket upside down. As they get bigger, you just put heavier stuff on top of the laundry basket.

    If Britney Spears can keep 2 kids alive, I’m not too worried.

    Comment by Jeremy — November 12, 2008

  5. Congratulations!

    Comment by marc — November 13, 2008

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