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The Wonders of Modern Medical Science

October 6, 2007 - 3pm

I woke up covered in hives yesterday morning. This is very strange for a few reasons. First, I have almost no allergies, so I have no idea what could have caused this. Second, I can’t remember having had hives before ever.

So, my first thought on the matter (after “What the fuck?!”) was “Huh. Allergic reaction to something. Better take an antihistamine.” So I did.

Today, I continued to be plagued by hives, so I went to the doctor.

The diganosis?

“Huh. I have no idea what could have caused this. You’re having an allergic reaction to something. Better take an antihistamine.”

Money well spent.

She Stupid.

October 5, 2007 - 7pm

I was searching through my junk drawer yesterday, looking for something, when I noticed a microtape in its case in the drawer. I have a few of these scattered around that pop up from time to time–one of them has my dead grandfather’s voice recorded on it. I’ve literally been looking for it for years, and haven’t found it. For some reason, I’m certain it will eventually be found.

This, however, was not my tape. It was an AT&T answering machine-branded tape–I’m assuming that it must have belonged to the former tenant of my apartment and somehow ended up in my junk drawer.

I was so amused by it, I decided to transcribe it. The first few messages seem to be nearly complete, then become increasingly incoherent as the tape begins playing the end of messages that were recorded over. The last message is definitely my favorite.

[Beep beep beep beeeeeeep]

Bored Male Voice: You have reached 255-0920. Please leave your name and number and I will call you back.

[Silence, followed by two seconds of accordion music, silence, a second of pop music, and more silence]

Angry old lady: Yes, this is the lady from upstairs. Would you turn your music DOWN, please. I think I’ve had enough.

[Silence]

Male, using stupid fake voice: Hello, [unintelligible], this is, uh, this is, uh, Gertrude, I’m looking for my colon. Yes. Do you have my colon? I think it fell through the floor. Give me a call at 260-5004, right away, I need my colon back.

[beep]

Hi, this is Susan, I’m calling you back, um, you call me when you get a chance, ok? Thanks, bye.

[beep]

…the date is March 31st. Talk to you later, bye.

[beep]

Female voice: Hi, please return this call at 608-661-9396 or toll free at 877-274-7764. Thank you.

[beep]

Male voice: Um, I am showing the lady upstairs, so… just let me know. I want to work with you here and want to get this thing going, and, I don’t want to, uh, have any hard feelings or anything. So, I mean, I’m willing to work with you here a little bit, here, too. My number, 850-6606. Thanks.

[beep]

Male voice: Uh, 222-26-2222? Uh, no, excuse me. 252-06-53, no, uh, 261-35… wait a minute, wait a minute. 255-621…

[laughter, drunk male voice comes on]

Yeah, um… I was listening to your… recording, and I think there’s a short. Yeah. There’s something loose. I think there’s a couple wires crossed! Or, or, it’s not connected properly! Yeah. So if you check out your thing, there, take the cover off, and uh, lick your finger and stick it in the wires! Yeah. And, uh, see if you get a zap, ‘cuz if you get a zap, that means it’s working, ok? You know you got juice. So let me know how it goes, ok? You have a good day, bye-bye.

[Different drunk male voice]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get the water bottle on there, and you spray it with the mist of fine water, and then stick a screwdriver on there, turn [unintelligible] the screwdriver into the main power cord [hoarse laughter] Whoa! It should be kinda fun. That number again is 262-35… I mean, 277-24… 2314… [laughter]

[beep]

Male voice: Uh, gimme a call back, my hair’s getting kinda long here, and I’m kinda wondering how you’re doing. Haven’t heard from you in about a week. Ok? Take care. Buh-bye.

[beep]

Male, African-American voice: Hey, Mike, man, what’s up with your girl, man. She, uh, she callin’ my phone, man, talkin’ crazy. She want to come over… messin’ with this girl, man. I don’t know why she callin’ me. Y’know what I mean? I ain’t–I’m not coming back there cuz a nothin’. So, man, would you please talk to her, man. She stupid.

[beep]

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